This was supposed to be a week by week blog, but due to covid it turned into a single page story.
My wife is amazing…..
To fully understand the depths of just how amazing my wife is, you should first know what she does. My wife is an NHS sonographer, ever day she goes to work she may have to tell an expectant parent their baby no longer has a heart beat, or unfortunately their baby is at high risk of abnormalities or on occasions there are multiple heart beats and the horrified mother is having twins or triplets.
A job that under any normal circumstances would be deemed high pressure, stressful but at times rewarding.
But my wife is amazing and these are not normal circumstances.
Since the end of 2016 my wife and I have been TTC (that’s trying to conceive for those that don’t speak the infertility language)
At first a really exciting prospect as we discussed how amazing parenthood will be, how renovating the house at the time would be perfect as it would all be finished and redecorated in time for the baby arriving and how this could be our last Christmas as just a 2 before becoming a 3 !
As the months passed it soon became clear this TTC malarkey isn’t what the films make out, I mean it’s usually a drunken fumble, a split condom or the perfectly romantic evening ending with mind blowing sex and a positive pregnancy test, don’t believe a word of it !
Here we were, months into our journey and not an element of romancing left in our attempts, everything had become a military operation, timing intercourse down to the hour to ensure we were giving it our best shot. Spending copious amounts of money on ovulation testing kits and his and hers prenatal vitamin supplements.
Now imagine doing this and like me then going to work every day and not giving it a second thought, easy right?
Now imagine trying so hard to get pregnant then going to work every day and scanning expectant mothers at various stages in their pregnancy giving news good and bad, feeling naturally resentful as the drug addicted mother comes in for a scan on her 4th or 5th child which will undoubtedly end the way of the others in the care if the state! Really, My wife is amazing!
As the months turned into years for us, with the on going disappointment, the inevitable then starts to happen, the people around us start becoming pregnant, friends, family, colleagues, it just happens that way, it seems everyone can do so easily, what you are finding so hard ! Now I’m not saying all of these pregnancies or conceptions were in any way easy, I have no idea the struggles these couples were or are going through, it just appears easy to us as outsiders.
Did I mention my wife is amazing? as the pregnancy announcements around us grow we continue to share in the delight of the parents to be, some on their first, others absolute pro’s by now, but all sharing in the fact they have no idea we are trying !
It’s certainly not their fault, we haven’t told anybody ! but every time we hear “it will be you next” or “when is it your turn?” Its like a tiny dagger going straight through the heart, wanting to scream in the faces of those asking the questions doesn’t make us bad people, but I like to think not acting on it makes us semi-good people, right ?
My wife is amazing, I mean I would be happy sending a card and a voucher to the new parents but the joy my wife gets from choosing the perfect gift, has to be seen to be believed but when that gift is for a new baby, how, just how does she find the strength to still shop for the perfect newborn gift, she’s amazing that’s how !
After endless amounts of Internet research and time passing by, we discovered that any referral to infertility services would only come 2 years after TTC so as the 2 year anniversary passed us by we made an appointment with our GP.
Our journey as excited, hopeful parents was over we were now officially infertility patients ! We headed off to our local surgery to see a GP who was trained to diagnose thousands of conditions so obviously my expectation was high, that from 1 appointment and a quick chat about our history he would have us some medical diagnosis, medication and we would be on our way.
Naive? some might say ?! However we did leave with a referral to the local fertility consultant and obstetrician – so maybe not the magic pills I was expecting but we would go to someone whose expertise was infertility.
My wife is amazing, obviously being involved with Obstetrics on a professional level, my wife was all too familiar with the consultant , infact was on a first name basis, I don’t need to tell you how awkward I would feel if a colleague had to ask me about my inner workings, my menstrual cycle and have a good inspect of my downstairs, but apparently he’s “lovely” and the consumate professional so she actually felt very at ease, even as they shared conversation about “work” and I thought at least all I need to do is ejaculate into a cup !
As we were both sent for various tests we really felt this was the start of finding out how we would end up with our long awaited positive pregnancy test, what do we need to do and how, turns out these things aren’t as cut and dry as that, in fact our tests all came back relatively normal ?! Minor PCOS but not a level which should prevent anything and we were given real hope that this should be happening for us.
So we started on our first batch of prescribed medication, and when I say we, I obviously mean my wife, a few tablets a day to add to the prenatal vitamin, the medication we were told was perfect for our scenario, and should get us that positive pregnancy in no time however we could only stay on it for 6 months but that should be enough…..spoiler alert, it wasn’t!
With the return to the consultant , astounded as he was this hadn’t worked for us he had reached the end of his available tools, my wife was to keep taking the prenatal vitamin and one of the prescribed pills and we were to “keep trying” (yeah more military operation intercourse) as we were then referred on to the nearest IVF services in middlesbrough which an appointment would come through for approximately 3 months time (yup more waiting)
The months ticked by and we kept trying to no avail, the referral letter arrived, we were booked in to see a consultant at James Cook for our IVF consultation, we had graduated from infertility patients to IVF patients, which sounded exciting but little did we know what was to come.
My wife is amazing by the way! , we arrived at JC for our initial consultation where my wife, not I, would be measured and weighed by a nurse before the appointment, apparently a pre requisite of IVF is her BMI nice to know before hand but anyway we are through barrier number 1, we will see a consultant soon I’m sure ?
As we were called to see the consultant an element of excitement again as we sat in the office and the doctor perused our notes, “I can see you have been ttc for over 3 years ?” Great, she’s up to date, we thought?
I’d like to send you both for some tests, so we can have a look at what’s going on, bloods for us both, hystoroscopy for my wife (an internal poke around the ovaries to see how many follicles are there) and another dose in a cup for me, 3rd time so far!
We get booked in for our further tests and for some reason we need to go to Northallerton for the wife to be internally prodded and poked while my contribution is done at the IVF lab at James Cook.
More and more waiting ensues before we are called back to JC where we sit in front of the consultant who with a poker straight face says “looking at these results it would appear IVF will be the best option for you” is she sitting me ?! What the hell did she think we were here for ? There’s us thinking we have started the IVF journey and we weren’t even on the list yet ! She has added us to the ivf consultants list where we will be called back in for another consultation.
What was close to 6 months of waiting and testing and it felt like we had gone backwards a step, we were now waiting for an appointment with an IVF consultant which we thought was who we had just seen, we leave JC once again deflated and wondering if it will ever be our time ?!
Our IVF appointment 3 finally arrives and we get to sit with the consultant (not until the wife has once again been measured and weighed) he perused the notes while I sat there thinking, “if he says more tests I swear he’s going through the window” but no, he is flabbergasted we have waited so long and says we are going to a top of the waiting list appointment for IVF, this will involve some information from the nurses, a presentation from the embryology and support team and then we would be given the date our IVF cycle would begin.
We left a lot more positive on this occasion as we were given dates for the presentation and told the nurses would be in touch.
We turned up to JC and were directed to a lecture theatre on the outskirts of the hospital, we entered a small conference room to a tapestry of North East couples all in the same situation as us, looking confused, nervous and excited as to what was going on and how long we would be going through these steps before getting our treatment?!
The session was informative if a little condescending in parts, maybe some of those on the IVF journey haven’t googled exactly what goes on but as we had and of course my wife’s employment means she has an overarching knowledge of these things as well, it meant it felt a little simplistic at times, although we did learn about how JC specifically operates in their IVF clinic and what a timetable of treatment would look like.
We had got to the point where all the hurdles had been achieved and we were ready to start, just awaiting the phone call from the clinic to arrange our dates for egg retrieval and going through the drugs protocol with the clinic, the call comes we are to start in April, thats 2 months time My wife has been told to call the clinic the start date of her April Cycle (around the 4th) and we will be given more information about coming for the scan and drugs appointment.
As we went through the rest of February the world started talking about a pandemic sweeping the globe, we then got into March and cases were increasing, the end of March, we are literally days away from starting the cycle and the country gets put into a national lockdown.
A few days pass and the clinic calls to let us know our cycle won’t be starting in April, all staff had been redeployed and the governing body for IVF was recommending no new cycles start during what they assumed would be the height of the pandemic.
My wife is genuinely amazing, as myself and many others across the country were sent to work from home my wife of course had no choice, she would still be required to be entering hospitals literally overflowing with covid patients every day as the pandemic had what appeared to be no sympathy for those expectant parents as partners were banished from seeing their little ones for the first or second time, the daily jibes via patients or social media was taking its toll and although she had no control over it my wife seemed to be taking the blame for it personally.
The instruction from the IVF clinic was to keep an eye on events and check the governing body website for updates, which of course we did with much persistence, as the summer came and went the death toll of the pandemic was reaching scary figures, by now our desire for starting a family was firmly in the back seat as my wife dealt with the increased workload and reduced staffing due to positive cases or people in self isolation.
The governing body was then in a position to advise clinics could start operating again on a reduced basis with Covid restrictions in place.
We phone the clinic who say yes, they are starting back up and they are working through the list and will call when it’s our turn, in the mean time we should keep them updated with my wife’s cycle dates.
As we reach November and my wife calls the clinic to update on her cycle, they tell us its looking likely to be soon, be prepared as it could fall over Christmas but would let us know when we call in December.
Finally the time has come, after ringing the clinic they have asked for us to come in and discuss the upcoming ivf cycle, this was around a week before Christmas, we were told to go up the stairs to the clinic entrance, another graduation we have gone from gynecology outpatients to reproductive medicine, this felt like an important step and it was.
My wife is truly amazing, after being sent to the Pharmacy to pick up what felt like a drugs stash a 90 year old would be taking, we sat down with the nurse who was to explain each of the drugs and how they would be administered, my wife never flinched, I mean, I knew there would be injections but never for one second thought the doseage responsibility would fall on us to mix ! This seems too high profile, I’m not sure my D grade in GCSE Chemistry or Biology has prepared me for this, mixing drinks I can just about muster but not drugs ?!
For those with no knowledge of the IVF process I’m not sure there is an easy way to explain but I’ll try, essentially the day the menstrual cycle starts we are all systems go, off to JC hospital where the wife has a baseline scan to measure the lining of the uterus, a blood test or 2 to measure hormone levels and we are given the dose of medication we are to start that evening.
We start with a dose of anti biotics each after our meal I look repulsed as I swallow the only tablet I have been prescribed as the wife gives me the “are you shitting me?” Look as she adds it to the cocktail of pills already in her armour.
The next morning it’s time to turn my hand to mixologist and health care assistant, I volunteer to look after the injection part, not because in any way my amazing wife couldn’t handle it but simply to feel involved in some way.
This then continues at the same time every day, interspersed every other day by a trip back to JC for more bloods and scans, anything changes and the doses may need to change so its imperative they check often as apparently a potential side affect of continuously stimulating the ovaries to produce eggs is that they may not stop, until the ovaries explode and you die, yeah death, I bet like me, you never thought that would be a potential side affect to IVF but here we are.
Around a week to 10 days after this repeated cycle of medication-scans-bloods the clinic determines our egg retrieval date, this will be the date we will be admitted to the ward they will go through the wife’s vaginal wall to extract all the eggs that had been forcibly produced from her ovaries while she is under mild sedation at the same time I will get to once again do it in a cup. Us men really do get the easy part and did I mention my wife is amazing!
Scans and bloods all going to plan we arrive at JC for retrieval day, not before having to stop at a car park of an Indian restaurant to ensure the hormone injection was done at the same time as every other day, mixing and injecting by the light of the cars interior must have made us look like junkies!
On arrival at JC they ask if I brought snacks in my bag, what ? Nobody told me I’d need snacks, just how long are we going to be in here ?!
Apparently 4 or 5 hours, I’m sure I can cope that long especially as my wife had been nil by mouth since 11pm the previous day, it would be remiss of me to say I was peckish!
The team came in and did blood pressure inserted the wife’s cannula (incorrectly) and told us she was next in line, there is one currently in and then its our go.
This is it, would there be any eggs to retrieve? How many would they get ? Would my sample be up to scratch? Would all this work or just be a waste of time ?
My wife is honestly amazing, after an hour since she walked out of the room we were in she was wheeled back in on a hospital bed, looking surprisingly chipper, cannula now relocated correctly and not remotely groggy, I was looking forward to what they had prepared us could be a bit of a drunk sensation but in fact everything seemed so normal, I asked how was it? Painful was the reply although she didn’t show it, simply put, amazing !
As the wife was recovering the consultant popped his head in and said she did brilliantly in there, looking like a good batch but the embryologist would be in shortly to discuss quantities.
The embryologist then popped in and told us that the total eggs retrieved was around 16, this should mean that some would fertilise as the sample I produced was of good quality and quantity (like I was somehow in control of that?) that we would should hopefully get some mature embryos.
The plan next was to put the eggs and sperm together in some petri dishes and let them do their thing, this all seemed a little risky, we had been trying for 5 years for them to do their thing which they hadn’t managed by now, why was this any different? Shouldnt they be injecting the blighters into the egg to make sure??
This was Thursday and the embryologist said they would call on Saturday AM to let us know if we had any fertilised and matured and let us know what time to go back in on Monday if we had anything to put back in.
As we crossed our fingers again, we awaited the call from the embryologist to inform us of our fait, of the 16 we had 7 that had fertilised and were maturing at a good rate, excellent news ! We were good to go for Monday morning for embryo transfer.
Our egg transfer day arrived and we trot off to JC for what feels like the hundredth time, hopeful that the embryos have survived the weekend and are in good shape ready to pop one back in.
We are once again booked in and greeted by an embryologist who talks us through our embryos, we have 7 mature and the grades of each, the day number representing how many days fertile they are and the letters the quality of the embryo, AA being the highest, we have 7 in total with a few at 4AA so great quality, she picks the one that looks the best and tells us that’s the one they will transfer and the rest will be put on ice, frozen in time a until the time comes where we need them again.
Yet another invasive procedure for my amazing wife as this time they will insert a device into her cervix and pop this embryo the size of a spec of dust back into the Uterus where the body will either accept or reject it, I was assured although the embryo may be tiny the device going into the cervix was not.
She was in and out in 20 minutes and told to rest and take it easy.
After an hour or so recovering in the ward we are discharged with a little envelope containing a pregnancy test with a date on when to take it (in 8 days time) and that was that, after all the science and medical wizardry we are finally down to what feels like a bit of pot luck, a toss of a coin, it may or may not work? it feels strange to have been so filled with technical information and scientific expertise for the last month or so to now be left in the hands of some pee on a stick ! The only advice on what might help is having a good laugh, apparently watching something funny might do the trick to help the embryo “stick”
The period of time between embryo transfer and taking the test is referred to in IVF circles as the two week wait (TWW) the agonising, out of anyone’s control period where you just sit with your fingers and toes permanently crossed hoping this has worked, except for us our TWW would only be 8 days? this seems odd, if it’s called a tww why are we only waiting 8 days ?
After doing everything I can to make the wife laugh and keep her completely relaxed we finally reach the 8th day, the day of the test, neither of us slept well the night before as the uncertainty of everything would today come to a conclusion, she entered the bathroom and completed the deed. The instruction said to wait for 3 minutes but naturally the impatience sets in and we start to inspect the test, slowly waiting for something, anything, to happen , we watch as the control line fills with blue and we wait in anticipation to see what of the test line ?
I can’t see anything says the wife despondently, just wait it’s not been the full 3 minutes yet, I reply with some sort of feigned optimism as she concludes its negative !
I don’t know, I can kind of see something, in certain light at certain angles there could be, is this more hope than judgement ? I mean there might be something? The wife laughs it off as I go downstairs to start work leaving her with the unenviable task of having to ring the clinic, she really is amazing ! We had to ring with the result either way but presumably ringing with a negative result was going to mean a plan of action to what we do next, when do we try again ? How does this all work ?
After calling the clinic the waters are further muddied, not a plan of action as such but another wait, I swear most of this process has been about testing our patience ! The clinic advise to give it a couple of days and complete a test again then, this time we will be using our own tests so a trip to boots to get something called a first response, early response, these tests can detect low levels of the pregnancy hormone so should make the line a little clearer, we get stocked up, as who knows how long this wait another 2 days and take again, game will continue?!
2 days pass and another test, this falls on a Friday, the clinic have said to call back on Monday with the result but this time I definitely see a line, oh its faint, barely there even but definitely a line and this time the wife agrees, we are not to get excited though, she snaps at me ! as the grin of a Cheshire Cat fills my face, she advises we will test all through the weekend to make sure before calling the clinic on Monday.
Not much sleep happened in the next few days as nervous excitement kicks in, the tests are clearly showing a pink line, if very faint but definitely there, progressively getting clearer, the clinic are called and we are booked in to chat to them just 48 hours later to go through the next steps. Apparently it’s a new process they are trialling where they are asking us to test, super early just to track the results and success of early testing, well thanks for the heads up, and 4 extra days of worry, very much appreciated !
After reading plenty of blogs and Facebook group posts I was fully expecting for the wife to be having a blood test, we arrived back at the IVF clinic where the nurse sits us down with a big smile on her face, so… you have a positive pregnancy test ? She asks as we nod in agreement, Congratulations, she continues, now according to the information we have this will mean your little one will be here on October 13th.
Erm, excuse me ?! Little one ? Congratulations? Is she for real ? I mean she didn’t even want to see the test, let alone confirm it for themselves? What the heck is going on ? We could be just a couple of crazies who see lines in pregnancy tests, is no one really going to confirm this ?!
I have you booked in for a scan a week on Tuesday where they will have a look and see how things are progressing, she continues and we are sent off again on our merry way, something doesn’t feel right, why no blood test or at least another pregnancy test ?! Why is this so blazea ?
As we are sat at home in disbelief at what we are expecting to do next, yet another two week wait, 2 more weeks of uncertainty and hoping the tests were right, that they weren’t false positives we decide to get some more, this time those digital ones that tell you how many weeks you are, at least with these we will be able to tell if the hormone value is increasing as expected as the digital display should eventually show 3+ weeks
After a few attempts, days apart the digital test changes and perhaps can we start to believe this is real ? Probably not, but as the ultrasound date draws closer we start to get more excited and wonder what if?
The day arrives for our first ultrasound, if things go to plan this could be our last trip to JC but if things don’t it could be one of many, many more.
As we approach the antenatal dept in JC I’m unsure how far I will get before being turned away, although partners are allowed in for early pregnancy scans I would be told to wait in the car or outside until called, sure enough the sign in the reception confirms this and off I trot to the car park.
My wife is amazing, I had barely got outside when my phone rang, wow they are certainly efficient here, you can come in she says I’m still in reception though.
As I walk in wondering what is going on she tells me I am allowed in from the start and also the lady doing the scan is someone who trained my wife when she was starting out in ultrasound many years previously.
We go into the room for what must feel like an every day occurrence for my wife but is somewhat surreal to me I sit in the corner as my wife and her former colleague catch up about work, who is still there, who isn’t, as the gel goes on her belly, how long it’s been? how their both doing? the probe is on now.
Finally she says she’s just going to have a look around and will turn the screen around when she’s done, meanwhile they continue work talk as I sit invisible in the corner of the room.
They move on to the age of the equipment as she flicks the screen around to show a piece of duct tape holding the top of the monitor together, quickly flicking it back to continue the scan, I’m hoping everything is OK at this point as you have just shown the screen to someone who looks at these images daily if it’s not you’ve just given the game away ! As surely my wife will have carried out a thorough investigation in the 2 seconds it faced her ? I look at her to try and get a sense of what she had just seen but she continues talking now moving on to IVF and what we’ve been doing never looking at me once.
Finally the sonographer is ready to turn the screen, its so difficult gauging what is going on when everybody is wearing a mask, but she is about to show us something.
So this is your baby she proceeds as a grey smudge resembling a stood on jelly baby appears on the screen, Congratulations she says with a jovial tone, this is the yolk sack, the polo shape above its little head is pointed out, and how far on are you, she asks the wife, that’s the thing with IVF there is no discrepancies we know the exact date, age of the embryo when it was transferred takes any of that uncertainty away.
8 weeks tomorrow my wife answers as a few clicks on the equipment and a measurement line appears, thats good baby is measuring exactly 8 weeks she replies and this here is baby’s heart beat.
Wow a wave of emotion comes crashing over me a lump gathers in my throat as the tiny white flicker pulses on the screen in front of me, I reach for the only part of my wife I can reach from the chair in the corner of the room and squeeze her foot, again not even a glance as we both continue to take in the information on the screen, me looking in awe and my wife no doubt looking for much more medical reasons making sure this looks typical of the images she she’s daily of successful pregnancies.
As the temporary silence is broken by the sound of the printer she is given some wipes to remove the conductive gel and that’s it the scan is over, done and dusted in all but 10 minutes, the sonographer will write up the report for us to take up to the IVF clinic and then give to our GP we thank her for her time and wait outside for the report.
As the waiting room continues to fill up with women who’s looks are scolding me for just being there, I decide to wait outside for the few minutes the report will take to produce.
As the wife returns out of the hospital entrance, we share a kiss in the relief of what is happening, in front of a few passers by walking into the hospital, I nip back to the car for the remaining notes and medication we need to return and we head back up to the IVF clinic on the first floor.
A surreal wait as to what could be our final time here, a new greeter not used to this ward tries to send us to a different ward before we are finally called to see the IVF nurse.
As we sit the nurse beams as she shares with our delight, I thought it was you and must have been good news when I saw you sharing a peck on my way in, (eek embarrassed much!) As it dawns she was one of the passers by !
She proceeds in sharing just how pleased she is but also how fortunate we were, we have a good haul of embryos still on ice and we can come back to have another 6 if we want to (thanks and all but will see how this one works out) she discusses her own experiences with her children and talks us through the next steps and takes our unused medication and little blue bag.
Then just like that we are discharged, we are no longer IVF patients by some miracle of Science we are now just a pregnant couple, we will now inform our GP and book in with the community midwife team and with the exception of being under a fertility consultant be considered as a normal pregnant couple! Eek !
We now have a midwife and my wife is booked in to have some blood tests done, she decides to go on a Sunday to reduce the chances of seeing someone she works with, still very limited on the people who know and we hope to keep it that way until at least the 12 week scan, I drive her to the hospital where we access a relatively empty staff car park, where wouldn’t you believe it a colleague from her department pulls up a few spaces down, managing to keep her head down and look the other way, the wife avoids eye contact and an awkward conversation.
After the blood tests and the telephone appointment, we are booked in to have our dating scan, usually occurring around 12 weeks but due to Easter bank holidays pushing things back, for us will be 13 weeks and 2 days, even being on the payroll doesn’t get preferential treatment !
After some shuffling around of the appointment, due to where my wife will be working and how much time she will have available, the scan will be done by a colleague during my wife’s break from her own scan list, like I say she’s Amazing, I’m taking the day off for this and she is having the scan during her break !
The scand date arrives, As I wait to be called in from the carpark my wife informs me she is running to schedule so will be out to get me any minute, as she comes to the door to greet me in her uniform the surrealism of the situation kicks in as we walk down to what has been all morning her scan room, which she will now switch positions and lay on the bed she has been scanning for the day and will continue to scan on when I’m gone.
I’m given special privilege and told I can move the chair (as long as I’m still 2 metres) then the lovely sonographer talks to me like any other expectant father, explaining the purpose of the scan, what we are hoping to see and what the screening process involves, all the information I know she and my wife give out numerous times a day but I was so grateful to hear it as for me it was the first time of hearing any of it.
She talked through every view as she looked over baby and every couple of seconds baby jolted up as much as a sign of acknowledgement as anything else, legs moving arms moving the little blighter wouldn’t sit still, the 2 sonographers in the room jesting it was typical that this would be a difficult one and we couldn’t possibly have brought her an easy one, after some jiggery pokery and changing of positions, the 3 measurements were finally obtained and a cluster of scan photographs were given to us to look through showing a range of positions. Then in a touching moment my wife’s colleague who had just completed our lovely scan, congratulated us both and handed over the sweetest gift.
My wife may be amazing but she also works with the most amazing group of people too.
So that’s you all caught up, my incredible wife has been through all of this while every day going to work and scanning expectant mothers, keeping her professional head on and smiling throughout, she’s been in a hospital with covid patients, often scanning them, risking not only her health but that of our unborn baby (and will continue to, until told otherwise)
She is and continues to be, amazing and will continue to be not only an amazing wife but also soon an amazing mother !
Our IVF story 